Trapped

Each day is like the last one.

My chaotic split mind disturbs me.

My thoughts racing, never done.

Images in my head never seen.

Anger inside me rages.

Things never get done, it takes ages.

I feel trapped inside cages.

My life has gone down hill in stages.

I do want to get better.

But for me that is too unlikely.

Might write my last letter.

A note for you whom never liked me.

So alone, alone am I.

Sitting in crowded rooms, so alone.

Some days I just want to die.

I'm stuck in this lonely crazy lie.

8-19-2011

Daily Life

To wake up each morning,

To start the day anew.

If only I could sleep.

If only each day was new.

I repeat each day all over.

Every day is exactly the same.

Sometimes I wish my life was over.

I wish my life wasn't so lame.

Racing thoughts of things present and past.

Sleepless nights of days that can't last.

Dreamless nights when I do get to sleep.

Thoughts in my head, I can't whisper a peep.

Routine now for over 3 weeks.

Normality is what I really seek.

Suicidal thoughts seep into my mind.

Logically the soulution is the only kind.

Can I save myself from my  own doom?

Can I stop myself from my fated gloom?

I want a normal life to life for once.

To be sometime not so socially awkward for once.

I want to live without this suffering pain.

I would like to be better than I am.

4-15-2011

MOVED!

So, ... I haven't written in a while... a pattern has begun again... turmoil in my heart and mind and soul.  I moved over six months ago into a place for "patients" So, I'm living alone. With only one Kitty. I had to give up my other 3 kitties to a no kill shelter. Sad... very sad... My meds are losing effect and I can't stand life for the most part. My place is ok, but I have to go outside the house way to much. I missed all my appointments in January and most in February.... I was sick on and off for that time. I need to find a new PCP. I no longer live with my husband. He can't live with me because he is not a patient. He lives with his momma and works two jobs now. Still not enough money to live on. I'm not going to say I'm going to try to keep my blog up... but... I don't like to lie or break my promises. I live in a bigger city and hate going out for my appointments. I like staying home but then again I hate it. I wish I was better. I am maxed out on my meds and I don't know what else to take to make me better. I am now taking meds for PTSD. Not sure if its helping. Been painting...  I mainly paint dragons.  I have been playing into my fantasy world more and more each day. Its all I live for anymore besides occasionally doing a piece of artwork. I am becoming or am more delusional that I realize. I am going to post a few poems to show my state of mind these past year... Until next time...

Broken Mask

Returning here from my long absences... Can't describe what it has been like when I was gone. Just darkness in my mind. I can't remember. My memory is but a thing of the past. I can't focus long enough to remember much of anything. My mind as of late is twisted and strange. I can't get back to the me that I used to be and I can't see myself going on any longer as the person I have become. I am home alone most of the time and when I am not alone... It is as if I am anyways. I don't have anyone to tell this to really. No one cares enough to say much. I'm dying with this hurt inside of me. I don't know how to go on. I have lost interest in most everything. Even if I could talk to someone I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say to convey how I  am feeling in which they could understand my pain. Yeah I know people out there have it worse than me.. but I am stuck in a prison not only in my mind but literally a prison in my own house. I have agoraphobia and that doesn't help me much. I came back to the computer to find people to talk to but that isn't great either... I am socially awkward and never know what to say. Even my family doesn't understand that I just can't talk to them because I don't feel like pretending  to be happy for them. I'm past that now.. trying to pretend all the time to be what I am not. I know I had to have been happy one time or another in my life. Though with my memory like it is .. I don't remember those times if and when they were actually there. My mask is broken now... flawed by my own destruction. I don't know what will bring me "out" again. Some think I can just push a button and fix it all in a matter of mere seconds. How could he have said that. Does he now realize what he said and how if would affect me? It doesn't matter... nothing matters much anymore to me. Though I do have a strong sense of caring for others and how they feel. I worry about them and wish I could do whatever to make them feel better and happy. I only want the best for the people in my life. And that is not me... I'm going to try and blog more... At least I will try.

Insane Asylum

So as the title says,

I haven't written in so long because,

I was in an Insane Asylum.

Crazy Times!!

I was only there for 10 days.

Though, those 10 dayse were hell.

They switched my meds around,

and then sent me home.

I wanted out.

I asked the doctor if I could leave,

and he let me leave. Neat! ha

So now that I'm out....

I have been having these horrible nightmares.

Demons mostly.

When I first got out,

I couldn't sleep in the dark.

I had and still have bad panic attacks.

Thank God for the Xanax!

I'm doing better now.

I don't have panic attacks like I did before.

I can even sleep in the dark.

Sounds crazy but that hospital was crazy.

I hate being confined and the hospital was one

big jail for me to be in.

I'm doing what I love now.

Well, most of what I love doing.

I'm living again.