I'm Okay?!?

 

I'm okay. I'm okay today. That's what I say, when I can't say the words inside of me. The last two night were horrific. Nightmares on repeat, all night. No commercials. Every night. Stay awake so much of the night to avoid the horror in my mind. The terror inside my dreams causes me much agony it seems. Staying up on my sofa. Avoiding the bed. Falling asleep, sitting up on my couch instead. There wasn't any time to take a nap today. Too busy doing the things that I want to do and some that are required of me. Sometimes I have nothing to say. Just meaning the words are stuck inside of me. Deep, deep down in the dark pits of me. The downward spiral that leads to thee. Keep the truth of how I feel, in a vault in the dark, deep part of my inner self. The part that I keep locked up. You wouldn't know it by the sight or sound. Silent in that pit, underground. No words, no sounds. I keep those locked up in the vault. My inner library of torment. I dare not enter there; I would be eaten up. The horror it hides would kill in an instant. Despair, destruction. Inner corruption. The nighttime approaches as I illiterate my thoughts. Fear seeps in. Deep in my mind. I try not to think about what the night has in store for me. I just wish I could go to bed, go to sleep without the fear and dread I feel. Will tonight be a peaceful sleep or a night with his terror filled horrific games? I wished I didn't feel so alone in this situation. I wish I didn't have to endure his visitation... in my mind... all the time... Day or night. Time doesn't exist for him. He haunts my mind on repeat. He wants me to play and also admit defeat. I can't let him win. I can't let him in, but he consumes all of me. I live, fearfully. Sometimes, I can push him away. Some days are just okay. Lately my emotions are so raw. I see him in my mind, makes me feel crazy by far. I need to stay strong. Block him. Delete him. Lock him in his cage. Maybe I can do that, since I am feeling these feelings of rage. Get a burst of energy and lock him in. Make it where he cannot win. I've locked him in there before. Held that lock, shut that door. Kept him in. I thought I did win. Though then I feel numb. My emotions are almost gone. Feeling like every day is exactly the same. The past did seem distant when he is locked inside his cage. Though then I couldn't remember much. Makes me forget those days of old. Then I mainly just have feelings of depression. Then it feels like I have no imagination. Parts of me get locked in with parts of him. This monster inside, am I a part of him? I'm trying to find a way to separate him from me. I feel the viciousness of him inside me. Tainting the good parts I see. Am I me? We are merged for so long, it's all I can see. The parts of me I thought were me were merged to long with the parts that were him. as far as I could see. Am I okay or is that a lie? Just something to say, to get by. I guess we will have to wait and see...