Sitting in the dark.... again. Listening to my music. Depressed. In so much pain. Nightmares flood my mind. Afraid to sleep. Can't whisper a peep. Thoughts that go so deep. Wished I could sleep in my comfy bed. Lay down my head. Without this noise. Nightmares so violent, I can't close my eyes. Fear of what is to come if I fall asleep. Listening to the tunes in my ear. Makes me think of the previous years. Years so long ago. When I used to lay and bed, listen to these same tunes and disappear into my head. Music used to be my escape. Now it makes me think of how it used to be. Nostolgia. What a thing. I just want to listen to my music without consequences. Without the flashbacks. Some flashbacks can be nice. To remember the good times. Were there any good times? They appear distant and foggy. They seem like they are imagined and unreal. Were they real? I had a brand-new nightmare appear to me last night. It was grotesque and disturbing at the very least. It appeared to be some distorted version of my dad whom I've never met. The images from that night are still stuck inside my head. This is why I am up. This is why I'm not in my bed right now. Exhausted. In pain. Sad. Migraine. Sitting here frozen. I know I'll be useless later in the day if I get no sleep soon. Though I can't seem to get up and head to bed. I feel such misery and despair. This feeling feels cruel and so unfair. The agony of being up and awake yet wanting to go lay down and sleep is so painful. I already have physical pain 24/7, 365 days a year. Plus, I have a bad migraine that has been there all day. I think I have to make myself go try and lay down. I tried laying down earlier in the day to take a nap with my husband, but I was too much in pain to get comfortable and get any actual rest. Tried meditating but I couldn't focus. My boy kitty Angus just kept tossing and turning. I sleep better with my girl kitty Mika. She is my shadow. Now the words are starting to blur on my screen. I need to get some sleep but I'm afraid I'll dream. Well, off I go. To where I go, I do not know. To sleep or to a nightmare we will see. TMH? TMN!
3 comments:
I don’t know what your ending means on this (TMH/TMN), but I do understand the desire to sleep mixed with the fear of dreams and nightmares. I hope you eventually found some peaceful rest!
I identify with this more than I care to admit
Thank you, my friend. I'll text you about the ending... (TMH? TMN!) It's just a saying I have been saying for decades and I stopped using it awhile back but I have picked it back up. It is good for so many things. Thank you for taking the time out to read my blog. I truly appreciate you and love you dearly.
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