Broken On The Inside

I hate being so broken on the inside

Physically, mentally and spiritually…

I feel the need for me to hide

From the look of me you wouldn’t believe

The scabs are broken and oozing

I feel dead inside, I am losing…Control

I can’t let him out

Of his cage

I have to control

This all-consuming rage

I feel it deep within

Just beneath the skin

I must confess I feel like the monster

All these years trying to keep him locked in

Are we becoming one, is he beginning to win?

Or has he already won the game?

I feel dead inside, I don’t feel the same

This depression is a killer

The things I do are just a filler

To fill the void of my days and night

I think I am losing grip, losing the fight

It’s hard to see when I’ve lost my sight

Should I burn it all down to the ground?

To start anew and rebuild it back up

no more lost…just found

I feel empty inside,

Though I shouldn’t since…

That is where he likes to reside

I don’t know whom I’m trying to convince

I say I am fine… but that’s what I say in my defense

I don’t want my love to see how far down… I have fallen

I don’t want him to see the sadness… within me

There is a void deep inside… of me

So far down have I fallen, and yet I can’t seem to see the bottom

Falling so far down, this downward spiral I am in

To the pit of despair, to the void within…me

Felt frozen for days. Couldn’t even talk to you.

The pain I feel inside, is more than I can bear

All of these words I have spoken before

Get out of my head!!! I can’t take this anymore!!!

I used to have scabs on the outside of me

When I used to carve on me with my knife, repeatedly

I’ve grown passed the need to bleed

But looking at the scabs the cats had clawed…

Feels like the old times, the old times indeed…

I sometimes feel the urge to cut, I am flawed.

Though those thoughts are just stuck in my head.

I sketch inside my art journal books instead

I look at the old scars, long passed bleeding… healed

They remind me of the pain and the feelings, repressed memories revealed

I try and study my Bible, realizing I’m always a sinner

I am losing the fight. I can’t win. Can I ever be a winner?

The anxiety is rising up. Singing that same old chant

I take my medication, should I take another? Maybe I shan’t

Will I go to hell if I accidently overdose and die?

Whom shall make up those rules? Not you… nor I

I haven’t had suicidal tendencies in many years

Will I ever have them again? …I could… is what I fear

How can I process this trauma when I can’t make the tears?

I’m disassociating from my day, it’s not okay. I’m not okay.

I can’t remember this morning, I’ve lost hours of time today

The loneliness I feel seem so very unreal

It doesn’t seem to change… is what I feel

The triggers are many, so very many indeed

I am having trouble coping and they make me want to bleed

Especially when they cuss, it starts playing the old soundtrack

I need to focus in my groups and I hear them all, some words I hear I can’t take back

The soundtrack starts playing on repeat and my world... in my mind starts turning black

I start to scream in my head for it to “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!”

I scream so loud within myself, and it doesn’t seem to drown it out. “SHUT UP!!”

It’s hard to focus in group when I’m screaming the flashbacks away

It would be easily avoided if they would just refrain… and no I’m not okay

The force of those triggers doesn’t last for minutes or days… but the whole week

I feel stupid...I can’t make the noise go away; “STUPID” It all makes me feel so weak

I don’t want to decline, mentally when I go to group and get triggered all the time

How do I cope? How do I heal when these scabs keep bleeding, these wounds of mine

I haven’t been triggered yet today… but the soundtrack is still playing from yesterday

How can I stop it? How can I ctr alt del it? How can I cope? And no… I’m not okay

I strive to be better than the me from yesterday…

Each day I take a step closer to being anew

I strive to be happy, full of love and just be okay.

Every day I pray to wake up and not to wake up feeling blue.

When will this happen? Today… tomorrow…months from now… maybe next year

I pray to be healed from these open wounds and wake up with nothing to fear.