!!!HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Resurfacing

I feel as if someone is coming out of me. The me that used to be. I remember things that I have once forgotten. Feel things that I thought were only a memory. Why is this medication like a key that is opening the doors of my sins. Not in a place to do what is bad anymore. See me as good and only that. Locked forever in myself. What would the perfect drug be for me. Sanity or reality? I'll choose the chosen one. Insane thought race through my mind. Cutting them off would make me blind. To see the past is a key point in my future. Learn they say... Learn and you will be better in the end. But if there is no end... Is there no beginning too? What will I have to do to realize myself again? Medications screwing with my mind. Talking to me in ways that long have been abandoned. Kiss of toxic thoughts brush my check. Closer to the light. Spiraling downward, all around. Will someone catch me? Or will I drown.

Medicated For Your Protection

Dazed by the medication that I'm on. Not knowing what day it is as I move along. Things seemingly near yet so far away. I can not break the glass. I can not get away. Everything seems to real. Yet, I seem able to feel. Though I'm not sure whats here. Where am I really? Am I really here. Taking new medicines. To make me happy again. Does it work when I'm so damn sleepy I can't help but scream. My mind is wondering away. My eyes are drifting in the haze. I don't know if I like it. Like a good trip, there's nothing I can do but wait. Waiting for peace. Waiting for pieces. My mind is drifting away. Can you tell me where I'm at. Can you point me in the right direction. Why is this so COMplicated! I am in distress. What a mess. Teach me your ways. Directions of your cause. Taking the pills you give me. Calm me down. Teach me now. Will I ever learn. I'm feeling the burn... of it all. Can you tell me why? Why must I be stuck in this jar! Glass to thick... can't break it. Eyes to heavy... can't shake it. Pills to big... can't swallow. Why am I where I'm at? Is it so bad?

Calm After The Storm

It's always calm after the storm. Going on about the day as if nothing happened. Even if he plays as if it were a bad dream; I remember everything. Cats play rough and nails I did clip. Mine of course... snip, snip, snip. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't wounded. I merely taunted my flesh with old vices; wanting to feel more. Something, anything besides this. My life isn't all that painful I suppose. Just stuck in a pose silently screaming for a way. Maybe not out, but still just a way... to cope. Used to cope with dope and things. Anything that would take me from reality. Now, stuck in the here and now. No way out. Thinking about going back. Taking meds. Using that crutch. Only to get the one med I want. Something that might help with the pain. Low grade and puny, but I could use it to the best of what it has to offer. Valium is like candy to me. Used to be that is. Used to trade/sell it to get more happening things. Things that would allow me to dream. Free myself from this world and explore the me that is hidden. I want to write down everything. To never forget. I'll go back one day to the end of it all. Telling us both how I became to be. Stories of truth of how I saw it all. Places I'm sure most of you haven't been. One place in particular... I miss it in a way. Even though I was confined and restricted. I felt as one. I knew who I was in a way. Even though I was and am still miles away. Must be patient now, I'll get to that some other day.

Scratching The Surface

I have a monster inside me. Wanting to come out. I keep it under a rusty lock and the key to keeping him hidden is listening to me. When I ask you to stop and you do not listen. He begs for me to let him go. Asking you to stop for days and you do not listen loosens my grip on him. Pleading with you to stop and warning you what will come of you not listening to me... Yet, you do not listen. The fuse is lit and yet there is time to stop. Even when you see me fuming you continue on without any caution to my words. I'm not there. Watching the fuse as it's lit travel onward to it's destination. I can not take it anymore. You wouldn't stop and now he is getting free. Once he has pried the lock off I can not control him any longer. BOOM! He is free. Rage and destruction are his names. He lives on torment. Those are his games. Deep inside me he has come. To make right for the wrong you have done. Too late for you to stop. I told you to stop and now it's too late. Why haven't you listen to me. Break. Why did you not heed the warnings. Break. You know what happens when you've pushed me too far. Break! Now it's too late. What have you done? Do you think you like me like this? I know I don't like me like this! Don't you see that's why I have to keep him under this lock and key! Keep him hidden deep down in the dark of me!!! I'm in a stage of rage that I can not control. Black outs can happen and I wake up startled. I am like a visitor, a shadow behind my back. Watching what I'm doing and there's no going back. When the monster inside me, weakens and falls back to his feet. I take the lock and lock him in. Until the next time you let him loose, out of his pen. Weeping on my bed is a rare site to see. That is the effect the monster has on me. Limited tears fall from my eyes. So tiny they are too describe. Broken things that can not be fixed. Material things don't bring you joy. Only for a second or two can you play with a toy. Only meant to break the angel figurine on the wall behind the stove. Didn't think the broken pieces would shatter that fast. Breaking and shattering the coffee pot glass. Tore up the paper roses you made. Took you hours, I know. Though you didn't listen for DAYS when I asked. Stop before the monster gets loose. Room of solitude and dispair. Thinking of past things I used to do to "take care" Taunting my face with thoughts of my fingernails. Must cut them off before hurt entails. Trying to save myself before I fail. I go for the manicure set. Lots of sharp items in here for me. Grabbing a few with only good intentions. Cutting my nails I slip and fall from my sanity. I broke the little scissors and pressed them on me. Wanting to go deep and feel the pain. Anything would be better than letting him out again. Taunting my arms and my legs. Scratching the surface. Didn't break skin and controlling myself. Wanting relief and nothing else. Haven't done anything close to this in over three years. Why now? Maybe searching my past isn't the best idea. Bringing up to much pain and tragedy. Must be strong and face it all. Too much and I'll break and lose it all. I'm ok. That's what I say. Nothing is wrong with me. Not whining here or "getting attention" Just expressing the me that no one sees. Blame it on the cats. That's the plan. They can get quite nasty when made to swim. Cut those claws dear. That's what they'll say. Already did. Is lying a sin? They know me as honest and sweet and kind. If they only knew the demon which lives in my mind. One person sees just a part of him. I warned him to play nice and what I have had been. I just hide it better now you see. I told him. Maybe next time he will learn. When I say that's enough... that's lesson learned.