Scratching The Surface

I have a monster inside me. Wanting to come out. I keep it under a rusty lock and the key to keeping him hidden is listening to me. When I ask you to stop and you do not listen. He begs for me to let him go. Asking you to stop for days and you do not listen loosens my grip on him. Pleading with you to stop and warning you what will come of you not listening to me... Yet, you do not listen. The fuse is lit and yet there is time to stop. Even when you see me fuming you continue on without any caution to my words. I'm not there. Watching the fuse as it's lit travel onward to it's destination. I can not take it anymore. You wouldn't stop and now he is getting free. Once he has pried the lock off I can not control him any longer. BOOM! He is free. Rage and destruction are his names. He lives on torment. Those are his games. Deep inside me he has come. To make right for the wrong you have done. Too late for you to stop. I told you to stop and now it's too late. Why haven't you listen to me. Break. Why did you not heed the warnings. Break. You know what happens when you've pushed me too far. Break! Now it's too late. What have you done? Do you think you like me like this? I know I don't like me like this! Don't you see that's why I have to keep him under this lock and key! Keep him hidden deep down in the dark of me!!! I'm in a stage of rage that I can not control. Black outs can happen and I wake up startled. I am like a visitor, a shadow behind my back. Watching what I'm doing and there's no going back. When the monster inside me, weakens and falls back to his feet. I take the lock and lock him in. Until the next time you let him loose, out of his pen. Weeping on my bed is a rare site to see. That is the effect the monster has on me. Limited tears fall from my eyes. So tiny they are too describe. Broken things that can not be fixed. Material things don't bring you joy. Only for a second or two can you play with a toy. Only meant to break the angel figurine on the wall behind the stove. Didn't think the broken pieces would shatter that fast. Breaking and shattering the coffee pot glass. Tore up the paper roses you made. Took you hours, I know. Though you didn't listen for DAYS when I asked. Stop before the monster gets loose. Room of solitude and dispair. Thinking of past things I used to do to "take care" Taunting my face with thoughts of my fingernails. Must cut them off before hurt entails. Trying to save myself before I fail. I go for the manicure set. Lots of sharp items in here for me. Grabbing a few with only good intentions. Cutting my nails I slip and fall from my sanity. I broke the little scissors and pressed them on me. Wanting to go deep and feel the pain. Anything would be better than letting him out again. Taunting my arms and my legs. Scratching the surface. Didn't break skin and controlling myself. Wanting relief and nothing else. Haven't done anything close to this in over three years. Why now? Maybe searching my past isn't the best idea. Bringing up to much pain and tragedy. Must be strong and face it all. Too much and I'll break and lose it all. I'm ok. That's what I say. Nothing is wrong with me. Not whining here or "getting attention" Just expressing the me that no one sees. Blame it on the cats. That's the plan. They can get quite nasty when made to swim. Cut those claws dear. That's what they'll say. Already did. Is lying a sin? They know me as honest and sweet and kind. If they only knew the demon which lives in my mind. One person sees just a part of him. I warned him to play nice and what I have had been. I just hide it better now you see. I told him. Maybe next time he will learn. When I say that's enough... that's lesson learned.