Jesus Is My Anchor

I’m not giving up, I’m not giving in

When will this war of mine, when will it end?

My Jesus is my valium.

He calms the stormy seas.

He is my anchor… For Him I bow down on my knees

He is who I believe

He resides deep within me

Though I feel so very nauseous

From the anxiety that I feel

I clutch my cross and close my eyes

And I start praying that I’ll heal

He is who guides me every single day

But only if I let him in, He will conquer and slay

He chases away the darkness that I feel

He is always there; He is truth, He is real

Though some days I get so deeply intermingled

With the complexities that I feel

I sometimes forget that He is near, very near indeed

I get lost in my emotions, can’t cry… but if I could…I would cry oceans

The hurt and pain I feel deep inside of me is so hard to deal with

Though I can start feeling a bit of relief when I start praying to my God… He does uplift

He’s always there…  days or nights…

 He gives me strength… He is who fights

All I have to do is call upon His name… He will be ready… He will be there

He loves me enough that He gave His life for mine… I’m thankful He cares.

Broken On The Inside

I hate being so broken on the inside

Physically, mentally and spiritually…

I feel the need for me to hide

From the look of me you wouldn’t believe

The scabs are broken and oozing

I feel dead inside, I am losing…Control

I can’t let him out

Of his cage

I have to control

This all-consuming rage

I feel it deep within

Just beneath the skin

I must confess I feel like the monster

All these years trying to keep him locked in

Are we becoming one, is he beginning to win?

Or has he already won the game?

I feel dead inside, I don’t feel the same

This depression is a killer

The things I do are just a filler

To fill the void of my days and night

I think I am losing grip, losing the fight

It’s hard to see when I’ve lost my sight

Should I burn it all down to the ground?

To start anew and rebuild it back up

no more lost…just found

I feel empty inside,

Though I shouldn’t since…

That is where he likes to reside

I don’t know whom I’m trying to convince

I say I am fine… but that’s what I say in my defense

I don’t want my love to see how far down… I have fallen

I don’t want him to see the sadness… within me

There is a void deep inside… of me

So far down have I fallen, and yet I can’t seem to see the bottom

Falling so far down, this downward spiral I am in

To the pit of despair, to the void within…me

Felt frozen for days. Couldn’t even talk to you.

The pain I feel inside, is more than I can bear

All of these words I have spoken before

Get out of my head!!! I can’t take this anymore!!!

I used to have scabs on the outside of me

When I used to carve on me with my knife, repeatedly

I’ve grown passed the need to bleed

But looking at the scabs the cats had clawed…

Feels like the old times, the old times indeed…

I sometimes feel the urge to cut, I am flawed.

Though those thoughts are just stuck in my head.

I sketch inside my art journal books instead

I look at the old scars, long passed bleeding… healed

They remind me of the pain and the feelings, repressed memories revealed

I try and study my Bible, realizing I’m always a sinner

I am losing the fight. I can’t win. Can I ever be a winner?

The anxiety is rising up. Singing that same old chant

I take my medication, should I take another? Maybe I shan’t

Will I go to hell if I accidently overdose and die?

Whom shall make up those rules? Not you… nor I

I haven’t had suicidal tendencies in many years

Will I ever have them again? …I could… is what I fear

How can I process this trauma when I can’t make the tears?

I’m disassociating from my day, it’s not okay. I’m not okay.

I can’t remember this morning, I’ve lost hours of time today

The loneliness I feel seem so very unreal

It doesn’t seem to change… is what I feel

The triggers are many, so very many indeed

I am having trouble coping and they make me want to bleed

Especially when they cuss, it starts playing the old soundtrack

I need to focus in my groups and I hear them all, some words I hear I can’t take back

The soundtrack starts playing on repeat and my world... in my mind starts turning black

I start to scream in my head for it to “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!”

I scream so loud within myself, and it doesn’t seem to drown it out. “SHUT UP!!”

It’s hard to focus in group when I’m screaming the flashbacks away

It would be easily avoided if they would just refrain… and no I’m not okay

The force of those triggers doesn’t last for minutes or days… but the whole week

I feel stupid...I can’t make the noise go away; “STUPID” It all makes me feel so weak

I don’t want to decline, mentally when I go to group and get triggered all the time

How do I cope? How do I heal when these scabs keep bleeding, these wounds of mine

I haven’t been triggered yet today… but the soundtrack is still playing from yesterday

How can I stop it? How can I ctr alt del it? How can I cope? And no… I’m not okay

I strive to be better than the me from yesterday…

Each day I take a step closer to being anew

I strive to be happy, full of love and just be okay.

Every day I pray to wake up and not to wake up feeling blue.

When will this happen? Today… tomorrow…months from now… maybe next year

I pray to be healed from these open wounds and wake up with nothing to fear.

 

Dead Inside

Dead inside, I creep, I hide

from the world and you.

Breathe life into me

let me see that I matter

Am I a person?

Does it matter?

All of the world has closed her eyes.

No one sees me.

I'm dead inside.

Oh, you say I look fine?

From your perspective I guess 

I'd believe that line.

I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm so very angry.

At myself.

I used to be physically self-destructive.

Now it's more of a mental game.

I am not like the old me, yet

I am still the same.

So many triggers, triggers everyday

Some triggers I do to myself

Those memories are not okay.

Wished I could ctr alt del

the memories that hurt me

Wished I could copy and paste

better thoughts to last a century

I wake up traumatized

from nightmares visualized.

The ones I can't wake up from

Those make me want to run and hide.

I want to be reborn

Rise up like a phoenix

Burning all the old memories

from my past

Those that haunt me

and make me wear my mask

I hide my face from you

what you see, isn't true

I get so scared... from these thoughts

I become paralyzed in fear

When the setting sun is near

The night is filled with silence

nightmares filled with violence

That's when he comes in to kill me... once more.

How on earth can you kill the dead? No more!

Thoughts like that keep repeating what is said

I get so scared to go lay down my head

I pull the covers tightly over my face

I try to feel safe in my space

I fear closing my eyes

the parts between darkness and sleep

He is prepping for his time to creep

Dreams turn into nightmares

It's a game to him and he doesn't play fair

I struggle with insomnia it seems

I just wished I was sleeping and dreaming sweet dreams

He hunts me, stalks me and chases me nightly

I dare not look at him, he’s too frightening

Though he glares his evil eyes at me

pins me down and breathes out his stench, repeatedly 

I am paralyzed, I'm stuck, I can't get up

His face is on mine, his breathe lingers

He is enjoying his time, on me

I try to scream, I try to yell, I try to escape from this hell

Why won't someone save me?

Why won't someone help me?

They saved her, they saved my sister. They protected her.

Left me behind to endure the pain of them.

Though he is usually the only one that haunts my existence

Though they both tormented me in every single instance

I didn't have any friends to go and leave my cell

I stayed home every day and night, enduring this eternal hell

Shared a room with my tormentor. That was by design

Why did she do that? Why was his room inside mine?

No door to separate the two of us, just a curtain

I'm never getting him out of my head, for this I am certain.

No barriers divided our space, I can't help but picture his face

Trying to work through my trauma

I am just mad that I can't talk to my momma

Yes, I know, they are all dead and gone

I should be able to forget this, get passed it and move on

You'd think it'd be an easy thing to do

I can't just forget it, I'm not like you.

I can’t turn my tears to roses

When there’s no tears to be had

I feel like crying most days, feels bad

I am tormented and can’t cry

I feel dead inside and you wonder why

I feel vulnerable and atrocious

My demons are scary, very ferocious

How could you hate me

When all I ever wanted was to be liked by you

How could you say you loved me

When all you gave me were open wounds

I feel the emptiness, like nothing else 

I feel so disconnected from myself 

I’m left to dwell in this hell 

The memories do swell… in my mind

How can this be real? I can barely feel… anymore.

These triggers feel like land mines

It feels so much like I am at war

With the memories I keep inside… of me

I am trying to see

I am trying to believe

This is not where I should be

How have I survived till now?

The cycle repeated, oh how I feel defeated

Some days the feelings I feel, feels really insane

Some days I’m just numb

Mixed feelings of stupidity and feeling dumb

I can’t scream out, I can’t cry

Why can’t I figure out what this feeling is? Why oh why!?!

Most days I wonder if any of this is real

Did this all really happen?

Or, Is my life just a lie? Is this really how I feel?

I feel so angry a lot of the time

I feel like hurting myself, 

Though those thoughts are just in my mind

I sometimes forget how to breathe

I wished these feelings would just leave

These secrets I keep deep inside

They’re just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

The monster and me feels like we are becoming one

It’s the game he likes to play,

Makes me wonder has he already won?

The nightmares are increasing, losing my peace

Staying awake to avoid him, I just wished I could sleep

With  you, in my head, I can’t just lay in my bed, I feel dead

All the time, feeling like this feels like a crime

I don’t feel much peace, fighting the memories

These feelings are chaotic, they’re trying to unleash…

This monster inside, keep him locked in, but, he breaks from his leash

Feeling so much anger inside, I feel like I have died… a hundred times

Starting to feel like I don’t care, I must have cared before, though probably unaware

Sometimes I have nothing to say. Just means the words are stuck deep down inside of me

I want to heal; I want to feel like I’m close to something real

I will never feel like anything else until these wounds I have… would just heal.

The wounds keep bleeding, these memories keep repeating

Can’t get rid of these thoughts in my head

The same words keep coming out of my mouth, but I can’t speak. There’s silence instead

Oh, how I feel dead, so very dead inside

I write the words that are on repeat inside my head

Writing all the feelings that seem to surface, 

I can’t speak them out loud, they seem to have no purpose

when I can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t get you out of my head

I sit up and write these words down instead

I feel miserable, for which I cannot explain. 

I just wished I could get rid of, get rid of this pain.

Would it be this way if I wasn’t so much in agony?

Would I be like this, no miserable feelings, not so much sadness in me?

Lack of energy, lack of spirit

Lack of the words, for no one to hear it

These are the words in which I express.

No worries, no need to study. There won’t be a test.

If I could start again, and redo this life of mine?

Would it be the same? Would I make the same choices each time?

How could I change it? When I had no choice in which family was mine.

I know that I can’t go back and change the beginning,

Though I have a chance to change the ending.

We will see if I make any progress, If I can make any progress this time.

I will have to fight through this struggle not to feel the way I do

Feeling dead inside has to be temporary, this is what I know to be true.

 

The Enemy

The obstacle I face is within me

I am my worst enemy

I must be better

Be better than the me I used to be

That’s all I can strive to be

Just a better version of me

I'm Okay?!?

 

I'm okay. I'm okay today. That's what I say, when I can't say the words inside of me. The last two night were horrific. Nightmares on repeat, all night. No commercials. Every night. Stay awake so much of the night to avoid the horror in my mind. The terror inside my dreams causes me much agony it seems. Staying up on my sofa. Avoiding the bed. Falling asleep, sitting up on my couch instead. There wasn't any time to take a nap today. Too busy doing the things that I want to do and some that are required of me. Sometimes I have nothing to say. Just meaning the words are stuck inside of me. Deep, deep down in the dark pits of me. The downward spiral that leads to thee. Keep the truth of how I feel, in a vault in the dark, deep part of my inner self. The part that I keep locked up. You wouldn't know it by the sight or sound. Silent in that pit, underground. No words, no sounds. I keep those locked up in the vault. My inner library of torment. I dare not enter there; I would be eaten up. The horror it hides would kill in an instant. Despair, destruction. Inner corruption. The nighttime approaches as I illiterate my thoughts. Fear seeps in. Deep in my mind. I try not to think about what the night has in store for me. I just wish I could go to bed, go to sleep without the fear and dread I feel. Will tonight be a peaceful sleep or a night with his terror filled horrific games? I wished I didn't feel so alone in this situation. I wish I didn't have to endure his visitation... in my mind... all the time... Day or night. Time doesn't exist for him. He haunts my mind on repeat. He wants me to play and also admit defeat. I can't let him win. I can't let him in, but he consumes all of me. I live, fearfully. Sometimes, I can push him away. Some days are just okay. Lately my emotions are so raw. I see him in my mind, makes me feel crazy by far. I need to stay strong. Block him. Delete him. Lock him in his cage. Maybe I can do that, since I am feeling these feelings of rage. Get a burst of energy and lock him in. Make it where he cannot win. I've locked him in there before. Held that lock, shut that door. Kept him in. I thought I did win. Though then I feel numb. My emotions are almost gone. Feeling like every day is exactly the same. The past did seem distant when he is locked inside his cage. Though then I couldn't remember much. Makes me forget those days of old. Then I mainly just have feelings of depression. Then it feels like I have no imagination. Parts of me get locked in with parts of him. This monster inside, am I a part of him? I'm trying to find a way to separate him from me. I feel the viciousness of him inside me. Tainting the good parts I see. Am I me? We are merged for so long, it's all I can see. The parts of me I thought were me were merged to long with the parts that were him. as far as I could see. Am I okay or is that a lie? Just something to say, to get by. I guess we will have to wait and see...

Sitting In The Dark... Again.

Sitting in the dark.... again. Listening to my music. Depressed. In so much pain. Nightmares flood my mind. Afraid to sleep. Can't whisper a peep. Thoughts that go so deep. Wished I could sleep in my comfy bed. Lay down my head. Without this noise. Nightmares so violent, I can't close my eyes. Fear of what is to come if I fall asleep. Listening to the tunes in my ear. Makes me think of the previous years. Years so long ago. When I used to lay and bed, listen to these same tunes and disappear into my head. Music used to be my escape. Now it makes me think of how it used to be. Nostolgia. What a thing. I just want to listen to my music without consequences. Without the flashbacks. Some flashbacks can be nice. To remember the good times. Were there any good times? They appear distant and foggy. They seem like they are imagined and unreal. Were they real? I had a brand-new nightmare appear to me last night. It was grotesque and disturbing at the very least. It appeared to be some distorted version of my dad whom I've never met. The images from that night are still stuck inside my head. This is why I am up. This is why I'm not in my bed right now. Exhausted. In pain. Sad. Migraine. Sitting here frozen. I know I'll be useless later in the day if I get no sleep soon. Though I can't seem to get up and head to bed. I feel such misery and despair. This feeling feels cruel and so unfair. The agony of being up and awake yet wanting to go lay down and sleep is so painful. I already have physical pain 24/7, 365 days a year. Plus, I have a bad migraine that has been there all day. I think I have to make myself go try and lay down. I tried laying down earlier in the day to take a nap with my husband, but I was too much in pain to get comfortable and get any actual rest. Tried meditating but I couldn't focus. My boy kitty Angus just kept tossing and turning. I sleep better with my girl kitty Mika. She is my shadow. Now the words are starting to blur on my screen. I need to get some sleep but I'm afraid I'll dream. Well, off I go. To where I go, I do not know. To sleep or to a nightmare we will see. TMH? TMN!

The Witching Hour

It’s the witching hour

What do I want?

I want to sleep without the torment

Of his breathe

Of his weight

On me

The weight of him

Passes through time

Through death

He is one of a kind

Help me get away from myself

Sleep deprived

Dead inside

Why won’t you leave me

Be

Why am I the only one

You seem to see

Why can’t I just flee

When your chasing after me?

I run, yet I get nowhere

Nowhere and everywhere all at once

Into the bottomless pit of despair

That’s where I find you there.

You catch up to me

I try to flee

Yet my feet won’t move

From the ground that I stand on

That’s when you like to pounce on

Me

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

No one left to talk to

No one left to care

My family that once was

Is now never there

They have all passed away

Rotting in the dirt

They have all abandoned me

They were never there from the start

I feel that this is unreal

Is this reality or a dream?

Was this really happening

Or was it my delusional mind again?

I can’t evade this feeling 

That your hanging from the ceiling 

Just waiting to lay on me

Heavy as you are

The fear you leave is heavier, by far

Suicidal Ideologies are in  the past

Will that sustain? Will that last?

Raping, escaping

Why does your breathe linger

Feeling so depleted and depressed

Why can’t I just lay down to rest

These nightmares have me so stressed

I don’t sleep much

As you might have guessed

I try so hard to make you disappear

But you are always so very near

To me

I’m so dead inside

There Is nowhere to hide

Trust me, I’ve tried

I keep on slipping

Slipping  away

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t 

Wasn’t here today

Can you see the monster within

Within me?

I try to lock it in the vault

The vault in the deepest part of my mind

He is draconic, ferocious and one of a kind

He haunts me nightly

In my dreams

Though still he is always there

It seems

In the day, you’d think he’d be away

He’s always there, waiting to slay

You’d think he’d rest

To be ready to put me to the test

He doesn’t need sleep

He has all the energy to creep

Into my dreams, day or night

He lives to torment me and

Causes me much fright

You’d think I’d get bored

Of his same old tactics

But he changes over time

Creates new antics 

He desires to cause me pain and grief

He never tires, never giving me relief

His nails do pierce my tender flesh

He likes to keep his games real fresh

I cry out, I scream yet there are no sounds

The fear he causes has no out of bounds

He taunts, He torments, this is a game to him

He is in it for the long run. He is in it to win.

Day light illuminates the darkness

Where he resides

You think the gamed would be on break

But it’s not him who hides

He never tires, he lights the fires,

It’s getting hot down here

He is getting set for another round

Tonight, will be the start of round two

He makes it where I cannot win

He makes the rules and rules the world

In which I am in

One of us has to end this

One of us has to die

If not him than it, will be I

 

In The Dark, Sitting In Silence

In the dark, sitting in silence

Wishing this pain was gone

Wishing my mind would forget the violence

Memories of the past won’t fade

Though my life today, I wouldn’t trade

Putting on a smile to mask this pain

Feeling these feelings, feels really insane

Constantly hurting 24/7, 365 days a year

This pain won’t go away,

It could actually get worse. That’s what I fear

Not just physically, but emotionally too

I hurt all over, Inside and out

I don’t know what to do

I smile, I laugh, I do fun things

I want to see what this life brings

Though, I’m filled with so much anxiety

I can’t breathe

I just wished these negative feelings,

Would just leave

Most every night, the nightmares flood my mind.

The terror inside them, the monster, He is one of a kind

Living my life one prayer at a time

Praying he doesn’t haunt me in my mind

Don’t say the things, Don’t say the things

Delete this soundtrack, the horror it brings

These things keep on repeating in my head

I can’t control these emotions when I lazy in bed

The monster within, likes when I sin

I can’t lose control and let him win

This Demon inside me, Gotta keep him locked in

Leave him in the dungeons vault, locked.

Don’t hide the key, throw it away, locked

Control these emotions, control this rage

Focus, don’t lose control, or he’ll be released from his cage

Missing keys, broken locks

Uncontrolled emotions

I feel the urge to cry

Not buckets, but oceans

Can’t cry, won’t lie, feels so wrong

Leave me alone, 

No, I don’t want to talk on my phone

Tricks he plays, that Demon inside

Trigger alert! Triggers that hurt

Can’t stop playing this horrible soundtrack

In my mind, playing all the time

On repeat, can’t delete, help me!

Asking for help, but how can you help,

This twisted, tormented mind?

Feelings seep out, from my mind

Again there is this Demon, This Demon of mine

Nightly he hunts me, in my sleep

Nightly hours is his time to  creep

Hunted, pinned down, can’t move

Can’t wake up, He likes to paralyze

He whispers to me his truths. Just lies!

He won’t stop tormenting me

Until one of us dies

Running in place, can’t seem to move

I can’t win at this game,

He wants me to lose

Can’t breathe, I need to inhale

Can’t breathe this air. Why is it stale?

Why is this game set up for me to fail?

I’ve been trying to escape, yet to no avail

I’m tired of being hunted by this Demon

Tired of trying to survive this hell

Sometimes I think I’m making progress,

But it’s too hard to tell

I have to survive, I need to win, I have to prevail

I can’t do all this work for nothing. I can’t fail

I wish I can put all this behind me and just set sail.

Somethings got to change

Somethings has got to give

I’ve got to find a better way to freaking live.

 

When Nighttime Approaches

Sleep. What a novel idea

To sleep all night

Without a nightmarish fright

My tormentor is fierce, quick and precise 

He's draconic, evil and immensely quick to change his disguise 

At first, he’s pleasant as can be 

A friend by your side, so nice indeed

Day turns to night and into his fantasy 

That's when “he" comes out. He changes what you see.

He can be all sorts of shapes, beings or things.

Sometimes he can fly with his big, gigantic wings.

He haunts me most every night.

He loves it when there is no visible light.

Even after taking medication, he is there

I can’t evade his evil, ferocious stare.

He sometimes reveals himself as my tormentor.

The man who was supposed to protect her.

That innocent child that I was.

I was supposed to be protected by their love.

Who were they to torment me?

Couldn’t they just love and see,

That I deserved protection, even from them.

Couldn’t they see what they were doing was a sin?

Tormenting me daily and nightly, endlessly.

They protected my big sister but why not me?

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

Imposter

I feel like an imposter 

A figment of my former self 

Do I even belong here? 

Or should I be somewhere else? 

So far gone, feelings of doom 

Feeling alone in a crowded room 

Hearing the whispers in the dark 

No one to guide me. Must I embark? 

On this journey all alone Nobody to speak to on my phone 

Nighttime approaches. Afraid to sleep. 

The witching hour is his time to creep. 

Hunting me, stalking me nightly 

Escaping yet ever so slightly 

Being ever so vigilant 

Keeping my eyes wide open 

While keeping my mind tightly shut 

Buried deep under my covers 

Wishing for the morning light 

Escaping this villainous night 

Every dark corner I turn I scream inside, Oh what a sight! 

Feelings of death, dying of fright. 

Trying to survive with all my might. 

Seeing fully, and yet still blind. 

Can’t seem to erase his face from my mind. 

Taunting me, tugging at my soul. 

This nightly dance is getting old. 

When will the nightmares stop?

Will it be before I drop? 

We will see, time will tell, 

 What day will I escape this hell…

Am I Out Of The Darkness? Or Is This A Dillusion?

So much has happened. So many years have gone by. I've changed yet I am the same in so many ways. So many ways I am different. First I avoid lying. Though I wonder if it is me who is a lie. I've given my life to Jesus but I will always be a sinner as we all are sinners. So no cussing from me. It is actually a trigger now. Learning about those triggers. So many things will start making me go down that downward spiral again. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find somewhere where I belong. I feel like an imposter. I feel like a visitor in my own body. I've been waking up but still I slumber in an endless sleep in the void. I've moved twice. The year before last was a year in absolute hell. Now I live in a better place than that hell place. I don't even have the old computer I used to write these blogs on. Thankfully I have a better one. Thank you Jesus for the tech gifts I have received especially this year. So many blessings I have of late. I still have these dreadful nightmares. Can't wake up from them. The monster still hunts me nightly. Will I ever be free from his grasp? I have been in therapy. I've had good and bad therapists. Thankfully now I have a good one I think. Last friday was a year since my mom passed away. So angry that I didn't get to talk to her before she passed away. Then that saturday I got food poisoning. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to make it. So sick of hurting physically and emotionally. I hate feeling like this. I'm so tired of trying to fight this. I'm asleep and my dreams are of the terror that resides in my mind. Locked away in the vault. Can't talk of the terror, the pain that resides in my brain. Drinking Ginger Ale, feeling like I might go to hell. Is this life for real? I feel like I've wasted so many years trying to find who I am. I still don't know but I need to figure it out soon. I'm trying to find air to breathe again. Tired of this stale air that surrounds my ever being. I lost my best pet a few years ago. I adopted a stray to fill the void. I still have my girl. She has stepped in as my shadow now. The new one is getting more loving lately. Now I crochet, I knit, I weave, I paint and do calligraphy. I haven't written much since I last posted. Now I write more. It is good to get back into writing. I'll post some of them here. Am I out of the darkness or is this a dillusion?