Am I Out Of The Darkness? Or Is This A Dillusion?

So much has happened. So many years have gone by. I've changed yet I am the same in so many ways. So many ways I am different. First I avoid lying. Though I wonder if it is me who is a lie. I've given my life to Jesus but I will always be a sinner as we all are sinners. So no cussing from me. It is actually a trigger now. Learning about those triggers. So many things will start making me go down that downward spiral again. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find somewhere where I belong. I feel like an imposter. I feel like a visitor in my own body. I've been waking up but still I slumber in an endless sleep in the void. I've moved twice. The year before last was a year in absolute hell. Now I live in a better place than that hell place. I don't even have the old computer I used to write these blogs on. Thankfully I have a better one. Thank you Jesus for the tech gifts I have received especially this year. So many blessings I have of late. I still have these dreadful nightmares. Can't wake up from them. The monster still hunts me nightly. Will I ever be free from his grasp? I have been in therapy. I've had good and bad therapists. Thankfully now I have a good one I think. Last friday was a year since my mom passed away. So angry that I didn't get to talk to her before she passed away. Then that saturday I got food poisoning. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to make it. So sick of hurting physically and emotionally. I hate feeling like this. I'm so tired of trying to fight this. I'm asleep and my dreams are of the terror that resides in my mind. Locked away in the vault. Can't talk of the terror, the pain that resides in my brain. Drinking Ginger Ale, feeling like I might go to hell. Is this life for real? I feel like I've wasted so many years trying to find who I am. I still don't know but I need to figure it out soon. I'm trying to find air to breathe again. Tired of this stale air that surrounds my ever being. I lost my best pet a few years ago. I adopted a stray to fill the void. I still have my girl. She has stepped in as my shadow now. The new one is getting more loving lately. Now I crochet, I knit, I weave, I paint and do calligraphy. I haven't written much since I last posted. Now I write more. It is good to get back into writing. I'll post some of them here. Am I out of the darkness or is this a dillusion?