Sitting In The Dark... Again.

Sitting in the dark.... again. Listening to my music. Depressed. In so much pain. Nightmares flood my mind. Afraid to sleep. Can't whisper a peep. Thoughts that go so deep. Wished I could sleep in my comfy bed. Lay down my head. Without this noise. Nightmares so violent, I can't close my eyes. Fear of what is to come if I fall asleep. Listening to the tunes in my ear. Makes me think of the previous years. Years so long ago. When I used to lay and bed, listen to these same tunes and disappear into my head. Music used to be my escape. Now it makes me think of how it used to be. Nostolgia. What a thing. I just want to listen to my music without consequences. Without the flashbacks. Some flashbacks can be nice. To remember the good times. Were there any good times? They appear distant and foggy. They seem like they are imagined and unreal. Were they real? I had a brand-new nightmare appear to me last night. It was grotesque and disturbing at the very least. It appeared to be some distorted version of my dad whom I've never met. The images from that night are still stuck inside my head. This is why I am up. This is why I'm not in my bed right now. Exhausted. In pain. Sad. Migraine. Sitting here frozen. I know I'll be useless later in the day if I get no sleep soon. Though I can't seem to get up and head to bed. I feel such misery and despair. This feeling feels cruel and so unfair. The agony of being up and awake yet wanting to go lay down and sleep is so painful. I already have physical pain 24/7, 365 days a year. Plus, I have a bad migraine that has been there all day. I think I have to make myself go try and lay down. I tried laying down earlier in the day to take a nap with my husband, but I was too much in pain to get comfortable and get any actual rest. Tried meditating but I couldn't focus. My boy kitty Angus just kept tossing and turning. I sleep better with my girl kitty Mika. She is my shadow. Now the words are starting to blur on my screen. I need to get some sleep but I'm afraid I'll dream. Well, off I go. To where I go, I do not know. To sleep or to a nightmare we will see. TMH? TMN!

The Witching Hour

It’s the witching hour

What do I want?

I want to sleep without the torment

Of his breathe

Of his weight

On me

The weight of him

Passes through time

Through death

He is one of a kind

Help me get away from myself

Sleep deprived

Dead inside

Why won’t you leave me

Be

Why am I the only one

You seem to see

Why can’t I just flee

When your chasing after me?

I run, yet I get nowhere

Nowhere and everywhere all at once

Into the bottomless pit of despair

That’s where I find you there.

You catch up to me

I try to flee

Yet my feet won’t move

From the ground that I stand on

That’s when you like to pounce on

Me

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

No one left to talk to

No one left to care

My family that once was

Is now never there

They have all passed away

Rotting in the dirt

They have all abandoned me

They were never there from the start

I feel that this is unreal

Is this reality or a dream?

Was this really happening

Or was it my delusional mind again?

I can’t evade this feeling 

That your hanging from the ceiling 

Just waiting to lay on me

Heavy as you are

The fear you leave is heavier, by far

Suicidal Ideologies are in  the past

Will that sustain? Will that last?

Raping, escaping

Why does your breathe linger

Feeling so depleted and depressed

Why can’t I just lay down to rest

These nightmares have me so stressed

I don’t sleep much

As you might have guessed

I try so hard to make you disappear

But you are always so very near

To me

I’m so dead inside

There Is nowhere to hide

Trust me, I’ve tried

I keep on slipping

Slipping  away

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t 

Wasn’t here today

Can you see the monster within

Within me?

I try to lock it in the vault

The vault in the deepest part of my mind

He is draconic, ferocious and one of a kind

He haunts me nightly

In my dreams

Though still he is always there

It seems

In the day, you’d think he’d be away

He’s always there, waiting to slay

You’d think he’d rest

To be ready to put me to the test

He doesn’t need sleep

He has all the energy to creep

Into my dreams, day or night

He lives to torment me and

Causes me much fright

You’d think I’d get bored

Of his same old tactics

But he changes over time

Creates new antics 

He desires to cause me pain and grief

He never tires, never giving me relief

His nails do pierce my tender flesh

He likes to keep his games real fresh

I cry out, I scream yet there are no sounds

The fear he causes has no out of bounds

He taunts, He torments, this is a game to him

He is in it for the long run. He is in it to win.

Day light illuminates the darkness

Where he resides

You think the gamed would be on break

But it’s not him who hides

He never tires, he lights the fires,

It’s getting hot down here

He is getting set for another round

Tonight, will be the start of round two

He makes it where I cannot win

He makes the rules and rules the world

In which I am in

One of us has to end this

One of us has to die

If not him than it, will be I

 

In The Dark, Sitting In Silence

In the dark, sitting in silence

Wishing this pain was gone

Wishing my mind would forget the violence

Memories of the past won’t fade

Though my life today, I wouldn’t trade

Putting on a smile to mask this pain

Feeling these feelings, feels really insane

Constantly hurting 24/7, 365 days a year

This pain won’t go away,

It could actually get worse. That’s what I fear

Not just physically, but emotionally too

I hurt all over, Inside and out

I don’t know what to do

I smile, I laugh, I do fun things

I want to see what this life brings

Though, I’m filled with so much anxiety

I can’t breathe

I just wished these negative feelings,

Would just leave

Most every night, the nightmares flood my mind.

The terror inside them, the monster, He is one of a kind

Living my life one prayer at a time

Praying he doesn’t haunt me in my mind

Don’t say the things, Don’t say the things

Delete this soundtrack, the horror it brings

These things keep on repeating in my head

I can’t control these emotions when I lazy in bed

The monster within, likes when I sin

I can’t lose control and let him win

This Demon inside me, Gotta keep him locked in

Leave him in the dungeons vault, locked.

Don’t hide the key, throw it away, locked

Control these emotions, control this rage

Focus, don’t lose control, or he’ll be released from his cage

Missing keys, broken locks

Uncontrolled emotions

I feel the urge to cry

Not buckets, but oceans

Can’t cry, won’t lie, feels so wrong

Leave me alone, 

No, I don’t want to talk on my phone

Tricks he plays, that Demon inside

Trigger alert! Triggers that hurt

Can’t stop playing this horrible soundtrack

In my mind, playing all the time

On repeat, can’t delete, help me!

Asking for help, but how can you help,

This twisted, tormented mind?

Feelings seep out, from my mind

Again there is this Demon, This Demon of mine

Nightly he hunts me, in my sleep

Nightly hours is his time to  creep

Hunted, pinned down, can’t move

Can’t wake up, He likes to paralyze

He whispers to me his truths. Just lies!

He won’t stop tormenting me

Until one of us dies

Running in place, can’t seem to move

I can’t win at this game,

He wants me to lose

Can’t breathe, I need to inhale

Can’t breathe this air. Why is it stale?

Why is this game set up for me to fail?

I’ve been trying to escape, yet to no avail

I’m tired of being hunted by this Demon

Tired of trying to survive this hell

Sometimes I think I’m making progress,

But it’s too hard to tell

I have to survive, I need to win, I have to prevail

I can’t do all this work for nothing. I can’t fail

I wish I can put all this behind me and just set sail.

Somethings got to change

Somethings has got to give

I’ve got to find a better way to freaking live.

 

When Nighttime Approaches

Sleep. What a novel idea

To sleep all night

Without a nightmarish fright

My tormentor is fierce, quick and precise 

He's draconic, evil and immensely quick to change his disguise 

At first, he’s pleasant as can be 

A friend by your side, so nice indeed

Day turns to night and into his fantasy 

That's when “he" comes out. He changes what you see.

He can be all sorts of shapes, beings or things.

Sometimes he can fly with his big, gigantic wings.

He haunts me most every night.

He loves it when there is no visible light.

Even after taking medication, he is there

I can’t evade his evil, ferocious stare.

He sometimes reveals himself as my tormentor.

The man who was supposed to protect her.

That innocent child that I was.

I was supposed to be protected by their love.

Who were they to torment me?

Couldn’t they just love and see,

That I deserved protection, even from them.

Couldn’t they see what they were doing was a sin?

Tormenting me daily and nightly, endlessly.

They protected my big sister but why not me?

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be.

 

Imposter

I feel like an imposter 

A figment of my former self 

Do I even belong here? 

Or should I be somewhere else? 

So far gone, feelings of doom 

Feeling alone in a crowded room 

Hearing the whispers in the dark 

No one to guide me. Must I embark? 

On this journey all alone Nobody to speak to on my phone 

Nighttime approaches. Afraid to sleep. 

The witching hour is his time to creep. 

Hunting me, stalking me nightly 

Escaping yet ever so slightly 

Being ever so vigilant 

Keeping my eyes wide open 

While keeping my mind tightly shut 

Buried deep under my covers 

Wishing for the morning light 

Escaping this villainous night 

Every dark corner I turn I scream inside, Oh what a sight! 

Feelings of death, dying of fright. 

Trying to survive with all my might. 

Seeing fully, and yet still blind. 

Can’t seem to erase his face from my mind. 

Taunting me, tugging at my soul. 

This nightly dance is getting old. 

When will the nightmares stop?

Will it be before I drop? 

We will see, time will tell, 

 What day will I escape this hell…