Imposter

I feel like an imposter 

A figment of my former self 

Do I even belong here? 

Or should I be somewhere else? 

So far gone, feelings of doom 

Feeling alone in a crowded room 

Hearing the whispers in the dark 

No one to guide me. Must I embark? 

On this journey all alone Nobody to speak to on my phone 

Nighttime approaches. Afraid to sleep. 

The witching hour is his time to creep. 

Hunting me, stalking me nightly 

Escaping yet ever so slightly 

Being ever so vigilant 

Keeping my eyes wide open 

While keeping my mind tightly shut 

Buried deep under my covers 

Wishing for the morning light 

Escaping this villainous night 

Every dark corner I turn I scream inside, Oh what a sight! 

Feelings of death, dying of fright. 

Trying to survive with all my might. 

Seeing fully, and yet still blind. 

Can’t seem to erase his face from my mind. 

Taunting me, tugging at my soul. 

This nightly dance is getting old. 

When will the nightmares stop?

Will it be before I drop? 

We will see, time will tell, 

 What day will I escape this hell…

Am I Out Of The Darkness? Or Is This A Dillusion?

So much has happened. So many years have gone by. I've changed yet I am the same in so many ways. So many ways I am different. First I avoid lying. Though I wonder if it is me who is a lie. I've given my life to Jesus but I will always be a sinner as we all are sinners. So no cussing from me. It is actually a trigger now. Learning about those triggers. So many things will start making me go down that downward spiral again. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find somewhere where I belong. I feel like an imposter. I feel like a visitor in my own body. I've been waking up but still I slumber in an endless sleep in the void. I've moved twice. The year before last was a year in absolute hell. Now I live in a better place than that hell place. I don't even have the old computer I used to write these blogs on. Thankfully I have a better one. Thank you Jesus for the tech gifts I have received especially this year. So many blessings I have of late. I still have these dreadful nightmares. Can't wake up from them. The monster still hunts me nightly. Will I ever be free from his grasp? I have been in therapy. I've had good and bad therapists. Thankfully now I have a good one I think. Last friday was a year since my mom passed away. So angry that I didn't get to talk to her before she passed away. Then that saturday I got food poisoning. I'm tired of feeling like I'm never going to make it. So sick of hurting physically and emotionally. I hate feeling like this. I'm so tired of trying to fight this. I'm asleep and my dreams are of the terror that resides in my mind. Locked away in the vault. Can't talk of the terror, the pain that resides in my brain. Drinking Ginger Ale, feeling like I might go to hell. Is this life for real? I feel like I've wasted so many years trying to find who I am. I still don't know but I need to figure it out soon. I'm trying to find air to breathe again. Tired of this stale air that surrounds my ever being. I lost my best pet a few years ago. I adopted a stray to fill the void. I still have my girl. She has stepped in as my shadow now. The new one is getting more loving lately. Now I crochet, I knit, I weave, I paint and do calligraphy. I haven't written much since I last posted. Now I write more. It is good to get back into writing. I'll post some of them here. Am I out of the darkness or is this a dillusion?

The Nightmare

You haunt me day and night 

Scare me just by sight

I can not run

I can not hide

You know me too well

You live inside 

Me

My body and mind 

I can escape from time to time 

But then you find me 

Pull me back towards you 

Embracing  me into you

You hold me so tightly

Never to let me go again 

Until next time 

My friend… 

5-3-2016

8:40amf

The Nightmare photograph done by Henry Fuseli (1781)

Uprooted Again And Split In Half

Uprooted again and Split in half

I'm tired of this shit, I'm filled with wrath.

Moved again, far far away.

Alone again, I spend all my days...

And Nights.

Endless nights restless and awake.

Fighting the demons that touch and caress.

Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever find serenity?

I'm doomed for eternity!

I'm torn in half between my delusional mind,

and the reality that it seeks to run and hide from.

It's much easier to live in my fantasy world.

Nothing I can't handle and I control most everything.

Don't I?

Subconsciousness is a BITCH!

Telling me what to do,

What to dream,

What to think,

When I think I'm in control!

Nothing can stop me now,

 Because I don't care anymore.

Nothing can stop me now,

Because I just don't fucking care!

What am i supposed to do?  

My pain stops me!

My racing thoughts trap me!

My PTSD consumes me!

My OCD controls me!

My DEMONS condemn me!

Nothing has changed!

Except I moved... again!

I can't escape this pain!

I'm in an eternal jail cell!

Never escaping the judgement of HELL!

4-21-2016

5:47am-f

Downward Spiral

I have been on a downward spiral 

for quite some time now. 

Stuck.

Don't know how to climb back up this time.

Trapped.

Suffocating.

Deserted.

Abandoned.

Alone.

Lonely.

Dying.