Sleepless Nights

Sleepless nights, dreams aflight.

Tinkering in my mind, can't see the light.

Dark scary demons to fight.

He is one of a kind.

Draconic and wise.

He does hate and despise.

He visits you in  your dreams.

He whispers to you lies.

His anger flows in tides.

He is more scary than he appears.

He feeds off your fears.

He licks away your tears.

This is his moment to shine.

Time to switch gears.

Torturing until the morning nears.

Thats how he unwinds.

Until the next sunset.

He thinks about regret.

He answers that he has none.

He swoops in like a jet.

Anticipating, his roll is set.

This is just only starting to get fun.

1-19-2012

I'm Dying Inside

A pile of old dry leaves.

Light of a match,

and catch a cool breeze.

Watch them go up.

As bright as lit christmas trees.

Smoldering flames all around.

Burning it all down to the ground.

When all is said and done.

Your left with a pile of ash.

Now wasn't that fun?

12-18-2011

Happiness

World of happiness,

can't see my world of grief.

Pain, suffering from day to day.

But its ok if you like your life. OK!

You want me out of your world?

My world is played out in my head

and on my paper.

Deciphering incrypted knowledge

That only I posess.

Possession in 9tenths of the law

Even under arrest.

Yes my world is distorted.

Contorted, controlled by me.

You wouln't survive my reality,

my world.

Cause I'd kill you.

Swiftly with a sword or

a bullet to your brain pan.

Happiness is a false sense of a way of being.

It is not my reality.

It is not my future.

And it has never been my past.

What! Jingle Bells? Go to Hell!!

Die another day they say.

Music played every day in my head.

Private concert.

Invitation one.

I wish I can stop this madness.

Shoot me in the head.

Stab me in my broken heart.

Just let the pain be gone.

Happiness is not reachable anymore.

It does not exist.

12-12-2011

The World and Me

The world is spinning out of control.

Oh wait that's my mind too.

Talking to fragmented minds from the past.

How possibly do I unwind.

Popping pills left and right.

There is no limit set insight.

Reaching for the stars,

that I know I'll never touch.

Too much reality, THAT'S ENOUGH!

People doing things day to day.

Not caring, not noticing that

I'm dying up in here.

But that's just the world and me.

Surviving unsympathetically..

12-12-2011

If I Die

If I Die

The pain will stop

My memories will not exist

The dizziness will be a

Thing of the past

The noise in my head,

will be silent forever.

I won't have to be scared

of the things that I see

That aren't really there.

I won't be scared of leaving my apartment.

I won't have to worry about

Why I am frightened of your touch.

I won't have to worry about

avoiding looking at you when we speak

I won't have to take 40+ pills a day

I won't have to hide in my imaginary world

That only exists in my mind

I won't have to worry about

ever being hurt again. Ever.

Everything will end.

I will fade away.

You will forget me.

I never existed anyways.

11-2-2011

Dillutional

Delusional... Delusional.

Its hard for me to see.

Am I in heaven? Am I in hell?

It is hard for me to believe!

What is really going on?

I just want this pain to end.

Chimes in the wind.

Playing in my mind.

People talking, won't shut up.

Trains blasting through.

Is this actually real?

Organ chords playing in my ear.

Racing thoughts of everything

Going through my mind.

Ringing phones...

Is that yours or mine?

What you say?

You didn't hear a thing!

Must be my delusional mind again!

Then I lay me down to sleep.

Only to wake from horrifying night dreams.

Just want to be loved,

understood and cherished.

Instead I just want it over.

Just let me perish!

Haven't I been through enough?

11-30-2011

Alone

Your not my friends.

Your just figments of my imagination.

Shadow puppets on the wall.

Cause you dont talk to me at all.

Just smoke and mirrors.

Look how they shimmer.

Dancing in the dark.

In the hidden part of my mind.

Big POP, then lights fade out.

And so do you my friends.

So do you...

Now I am all alone again.

11-30-2011

Trapped

Each day is like the last one.

My chaotic split mind disturbs me.

My thoughts racing, never done.

Images in my head never seen.

Anger inside me rages.

Things never get done, it takes ages.

I feel trapped inside cages.

My life has gone down hill in stages.

I do want to get better.

But for me that is too unlikely.

Might write my last letter.

A note for you whom never liked me.

So alone, alone am I.

Sitting in crowded rooms, so alone.

Some days I just want to die.

I'm stuck in this lonely crazy lie.

8-19-2011

Daily Life

To wake up each morning,

To start the day anew.

If only I could sleep.

If only each day was new.

I repeat each day all over.

Every day is exactly the same.

Sometimes I wish my life was over.

I wish my life wasn't so lame.

Racing thoughts of things present and past.

Sleepless nights of days that can't last.

Dreamless nights when I do get to sleep.

Thoughts in my head, I can't whisper a peep.

Routine now for over 3 weeks.

Normality is what I really seek.

Suicidal thoughts seep into my mind.

Logically the soulution is the only kind.

Can I save myself from my  own doom?

Can I stop myself from my fated gloom?

I want a normal life to life for once.

To be sometime not so socially awkward for once.

I want to live without this suffering pain.

I would like to be better than I am.

4-15-2011

MOVED!

So, ... I haven't written in a while... a pattern has begun again... turmoil in my heart and mind and soul.  I moved over six months ago into a place for "patients" So, I'm living alone. With only one Kitty. I had to give up my other 3 kitties to a no kill shelter. Sad... very sad... My meds are losing effect and I can't stand life for the most part. My place is ok, but I have to go outside the house way to much. I missed all my appointments in January and most in February.... I was sick on and off for that time. I need to find a new PCP. I no longer live with my husband. He can't live with me because he is not a patient. He lives with his momma and works two jobs now. Still not enough money to live on. I'm not going to say I'm going to try to keep my blog up... but... I don't like to lie or break my promises. I live in a bigger city and hate going out for my appointments. I like staying home but then again I hate it. I wish I was better. I am maxed out on my meds and I don't know what else to take to make me better. I am now taking meds for PTSD. Not sure if its helping. Been painting...  I mainly paint dragons.  I have been playing into my fantasy world more and more each day. Its all I live for anymore besides occasionally doing a piece of artwork. I am becoming or am more delusional that I realize. I am going to post a few poems to show my state of mind these past year... Until next time...