The Nightmare

You haunt me day and night 

Scare me just by sight

I can not run

I can not hide

You know me too well

You live inside 

Me

My body and mind 

I can escape from time to time 

But then you find me 

Pull me back towards you 

Embracing  me into you

You hold me so tightly

Never to let me go again 

Until next time 

My friend… 

5-3-2016

8:40amf

The Nightmare photograph done by Henry Fuseli (1781)

Uprooted Again And Split In Half

Uprooted again and Split in half

I'm tired of this shit, I'm filled with wrath.

Moved again, far far away.

Alone again, I spend all my days...

And Nights.

Endless nights restless and awake.

Fighting the demons that touch and caress.

Will I ever find peace?

Will I ever find serenity?

I'm doomed for eternity!

I'm torn in half between my delusional mind,

and the reality that it seeks to run and hide from.

It's much easier to live in my fantasy world.

Nothing I can't handle and I control most everything.

Don't I?

Subconsciousness is a BITCH!

Telling me what to do,

What to dream,

What to think,

When I think I'm in control!

Nothing can stop me now,

 Because I don't care anymore.

Nothing can stop me now,

Because I just don't fucking care!

What am i supposed to do?  

My pain stops me!

My racing thoughts trap me!

My PTSD consumes me!

My OCD controls me!

My DEMONS condemn me!

Nothing has changed!

Except I moved... again!

I can't escape this pain!

I'm in an eternal jail cell!

Never escaping the judgement of HELL!

4-21-2016

5:47am-f

Downward Spiral

I have been on a downward spiral 

for quite some time now. 

Stuck.

Don't know how to climb back up this time.

Trapped.

Suffocating.

Deserted.

Abandoned.

Alone.

Lonely.

Dying.

Everyday Is Exactly The Same

I wake up each day and it's all the same. 

Only a few days goes by that are different from the rest.

I wake up too early, but thats ok. 

I get stuff done early in the morn when it's not so hot.

I rarely ever go out past noon.

Way too hot in this desert heat.

I have to go out today when it will be 117°!

It's going to be 120° tomorrow!

I hate the summers here. 

I want to move north somewhere.

Maybe near Seattle, Washington.

I love the rain & green trees. Plus I love the cooler temps.

I'm stuck in my dream world. 

Playing the same old familiar game.

It consumes me.

It is my reality.

I am lost in it.

Rising From The Ashes

Coming out of this coma-like state of mind. I am awakening for it feels as for the first time. I am awake. My eyes are pwn and I am seeing for the first time. Things are different now somehow. I am still me I guess, but just not so down in the fog of my delusions. I see more clearly now. Things seem better somehow. I am in a good place right now. Getting my shit together. Trying to help my husband get his shit together. If he keeps choosing failure... I will have to leave him. Which is not what I want to do at this moment in time. I feel free! I choose my battles more wisely. I have gotten off of some of my medications. I am going to get off another one by the end of this month. Yay! I can smile and laugh freely now. My psychologist says I'm "hypo-manic" hehe.  I should keep going and never look back, but that's hard not to do. I look back and I "feel" healthier. Mentally and physically! I am pumped up about all the possibilities 2013 can offer me. That very thought excites me! I am enjoying life now. Even though all I do is go from one doctor's office to another one or some type of therapy place. But, hey...gotta do the work to enjoy your pleasures! Remember "LIFE" is only what "YOU" make of it. Find what works for "YOU" and only "YOU". Follow your path no matter how twisted the road may get. You will find your happiness. Your sunshine!