MOVED!

So, ... I haven't written in a while... a pattern has begun again... turmoil in my heart and mind and soul.  I moved over six months ago into a place for "patients" So, I'm living alone. With only one Kitty. I had to give up my other 3 kitties to a no kill shelter. Sad... very sad... My meds are losing effect and I can't stand life for the most part. My place is ok, but I have to go outside the house way to much. I missed all my appointments in January and most in February.... I was sick on and off for that time. I need to find a new PCP. I no longer live with my husband. He can't live with me because he is not a patient. He lives with his momma and works two jobs now. Still not enough money to live on. I'm not going to say I'm going to try to keep my blog up... but... I don't like to lie or break my promises. I live in a bigger city and hate going out for my appointments. I like staying home but then again I hate it. I wish I was better. I am maxed out on my meds and I don't know what else to take to make me better. I am now taking meds for PTSD. Not sure if its helping. Been painting...  I mainly paint dragons.  I have been playing into my fantasy world more and more each day. Its all I live for anymore besides occasionally doing a piece of artwork. I am becoming or am more delusional that I realize. I am going to post a few poems to show my state of mind these past year... Until next time...

Broken Mask

Returning here from my long absences... Can't describe what it has been like when I was gone. Just darkness in my mind. I can't remember. My memory is but a thing of the past. I can't focus long enough to remember much of anything. My mind as of late is twisted and strange. I can't get back to the me that I used to be and I can't see myself going on any longer as the person I have become. I am home alone most of the time and when I am not alone... It is as if I am anyways. I don't have anyone to tell this to really. No one cares enough to say much. I'm dying with this hurt inside of me. I don't know how to go on. I have lost interest in most everything. Even if I could talk to someone I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say to convey how I  am feeling in which they could understand my pain. Yeah I know people out there have it worse than me.. but I am stuck in a prison not only in my mind but literally a prison in my own house. I have agoraphobia and that doesn't help me much. I came back to the computer to find people to talk to but that isn't great either... I am socially awkward and never know what to say. Even my family doesn't understand that I just can't talk to them because I don't feel like pretending  to be happy for them. I'm past that now.. trying to pretend all the time to be what I am not. I know I had to have been happy one time or another in my life. Though with my memory like it is .. I don't remember those times if and when they were actually there. My mask is broken now... flawed by my own destruction. I don't know what will bring me "out" again. Some think I can just push a button and fix it all in a matter of mere seconds. How could he have said that. Does he now realize what he said and how if would affect me? It doesn't matter... nothing matters much anymore to me. Though I do have a strong sense of caring for others and how they feel. I worry about them and wish I could do whatever to make them feel better and happy. I only want the best for the people in my life. And that is not me... I'm going to try and blog more... At least I will try.

Insane Asylum

So as the title says,

I haven't written in so long because,

I was in an Insane Asylum.

Crazy Times!!

I was only there for 10 days.

Though, those 10 dayse were hell.

They switched my meds around,

and then sent me home.

I wanted out.

I asked the doctor if I could leave,

and he let me leave. Neat! ha

So now that I'm out....

I have been having these horrible nightmares.

Demons mostly.

When I first got out,

I couldn't sleep in the dark.

I had and still have bad panic attacks.

Thank God for the Xanax!

I'm doing better now.

I don't have panic attacks like I did before.

I can even sleep in the dark.

Sounds crazy but that hospital was crazy.

I hate being confined and the hospital was one

big jail for me to be in.

I'm doing what I love now.

Well, most of what I love doing.

I'm living again.

!!!HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Resurfacing

I feel as if someone is coming out of me. The me that used to be. I remember things that I have once forgotten. Feel things that I thought were only a memory. Why is this medication like a key that is opening the doors of my sins. Not in a place to do what is bad anymore. See me as good and only that. Locked forever in myself. What would the perfect drug be for me. Sanity or reality? I'll choose the chosen one. Insane thought race through my mind. Cutting them off would make me blind. To see the past is a key point in my future. Learn they say... Learn and you will be better in the end. But if there is no end... Is there no beginning too? What will I have to do to realize myself again? Medications screwing with my mind. Talking to me in ways that long have been abandoned. Kiss of toxic thoughts brush my check. Closer to the light. Spiraling downward, all around. Will someone catch me? Or will I drown.