Resurfacing

I feel as if someone is coming out of me. The me that used to be. I remember things that I have once forgotten. Feel things that I thought were only a memory. Why is this medication like a key that is opening the doors of my sins. Not in a place to do what is bad anymore. See me as good and only that. Locked forever in myself. What would the perfect drug be for me. Sanity or reality? I'll choose the chosen one. Insane thought race through my mind. Cutting them off would make me blind. To see the past is a key point in my future. Learn they say... Learn and you will be better in the end. But if there is no end... Is there no beginning too? What will I have to do to realize myself again? Medications screwing with my mind. Talking to me in ways that long have been abandoned. Kiss of toxic thoughts brush my check. Closer to the light. Spiraling downward, all around. Will someone catch me? Or will I drown.

Medicated For Your Protection

Dazed by the medication that I'm on. Not knowing what day it is as I move along. Things seemingly near yet so far away. I can not break the glass. I can not get away. Everything seems to real. Yet, I seem able to feel. Though I'm not sure whats here. Where am I really? Am I really here. Taking new medicines. To make me happy again. Does it work when I'm so damn sleepy I can't help but scream. My mind is wondering away. My eyes are drifting in the haze. I don't know if I like it. Like a good trip, there's nothing I can do but wait. Waiting for peace. Waiting for pieces. My mind is drifting away. Can you tell me where I'm at. Can you point me in the right direction. Why is this so COMplicated! I am in distress. What a mess. Teach me your ways. Directions of your cause. Taking the pills you give me. Calm me down. Teach me now. Will I ever learn. I'm feeling the burn... of it all. Can you tell me why? Why must I be stuck in this jar! Glass to thick... can't break it. Eyes to heavy... can't shake it. Pills to big... can't swallow. Why am I where I'm at? Is it so bad?

Calm After The Storm

It's always calm after the storm. Going on about the day as if nothing happened. Even if he plays as if it were a bad dream; I remember everything. Cats play rough and nails I did clip. Mine of course... snip, snip, snip. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't wounded. I merely taunted my flesh with old vices; wanting to feel more. Something, anything besides this. My life isn't all that painful I suppose. Just stuck in a pose silently screaming for a way. Maybe not out, but still just a way... to cope. Used to cope with dope and things. Anything that would take me from reality. Now, stuck in the here and now. No way out. Thinking about going back. Taking meds. Using that crutch. Only to get the one med I want. Something that might help with the pain. Low grade and puny, but I could use it to the best of what it has to offer. Valium is like candy to me. Used to be that is. Used to trade/sell it to get more happening things. Things that would allow me to dream. Free myself from this world and explore the me that is hidden. I want to write down everything. To never forget. I'll go back one day to the end of it all. Telling us both how I became to be. Stories of truth of how I saw it all. Places I'm sure most of you haven't been. One place in particular... I miss it in a way. Even though I was confined and restricted. I felt as one. I knew who I was in a way. Even though I was and am still miles away. Must be patient now, I'll get to that some other day.

Scratching The Surface

I have a monster inside me. Wanting to come out. I keep it under a rusty lock and the key to keeping him hidden is listening to me. When I ask you to stop and you do not listen. He begs for me to let him go. Asking you to stop for days and you do not listen loosens my grip on him. Pleading with you to stop and warning you what will come of you not listening to me... Yet, you do not listen. The fuse is lit and yet there is time to stop. Even when you see me fuming you continue on without any caution to my words. I'm not there. Watching the fuse as it's lit travel onward to it's destination. I can not take it anymore. You wouldn't stop and now he is getting free. Once he has pried the lock off I can not control him any longer. BOOM! He is free. Rage and destruction are his names. He lives on torment. Those are his games. Deep inside me he has come. To make right for the wrong you have done. Too late for you to stop. I told you to stop and now it's too late. Why haven't you listen to me. Break. Why did you not heed the warnings. Break. You know what happens when you've pushed me too far. Break! Now it's too late. What have you done? Do you think you like me like this? I know I don't like me like this! Don't you see that's why I have to keep him under this lock and key! Keep him hidden deep down in the dark of me!!! I'm in a stage of rage that I can not control. Black outs can happen and I wake up startled. I am like a visitor, a shadow behind my back. Watching what I'm doing and there's no going back. When the monster inside me, weakens and falls back to his feet. I take the lock and lock him in. Until the next time you let him loose, out of his pen. Weeping on my bed is a rare site to see. That is the effect the monster has on me. Limited tears fall from my eyes. So tiny they are too describe. Broken things that can not be fixed. Material things don't bring you joy. Only for a second or two can you play with a toy. Only meant to break the angel figurine on the wall behind the stove. Didn't think the broken pieces would shatter that fast. Breaking and shattering the coffee pot glass. Tore up the paper roses you made. Took you hours, I know. Though you didn't listen for DAYS when I asked. Stop before the monster gets loose. Room of solitude and dispair. Thinking of past things I used to do to "take care" Taunting my face with thoughts of my fingernails. Must cut them off before hurt entails. Trying to save myself before I fail. I go for the manicure set. Lots of sharp items in here for me. Grabbing a few with only good intentions. Cutting my nails I slip and fall from my sanity. I broke the little scissors and pressed them on me. Wanting to go deep and feel the pain. Anything would be better than letting him out again. Taunting my arms and my legs. Scratching the surface. Didn't break skin and controlling myself. Wanting relief and nothing else. Haven't done anything close to this in over three years. Why now? Maybe searching my past isn't the best idea. Bringing up to much pain and tragedy. Must be strong and face it all. Too much and I'll break and lose it all. I'm ok. That's what I say. Nothing is wrong with me. Not whining here or "getting attention" Just expressing the me that no one sees. Blame it on the cats. That's the plan. They can get quite nasty when made to swim. Cut those claws dear. That's what they'll say. Already did. Is lying a sin? They know me as honest and sweet and kind. If they only knew the demon which lives in my mind. One person sees just a part of him. I warned him to play nice and what I have had been. I just hide it better now you see. I told him. Maybe next time he will learn. When I say that's enough... that's lesson learned.

TMH? TMN!

Trapped and screaming I long to be free. Finding the enemy that holds me back is a close as looking at me. I see what I do and am helpless at times to stop the insanity that comes from the void that is despair and hurt inside of me. Pain comes to me only when I breath. Past images flood my mind and make me run and hide. Thinking back I wonder what could I have done different not to end up how I am. What could I do? Carving my flesh in what others see as agony and yet to me there is no pain. Illusions from my brain. Cutting myself. My Art. Was a release for myself. To make the pain real and not just feelings from my past. Tried so many tactics to kill it all away. Scars fade and the pain stays. I can not forget the motto of mine, TMH? TMN! Can mean so many things. I haven't used that in so long. Yet like the pain and not the scars. It still remains to be true.

Paths

PATHS
You are like a feather,
just floating through time.
Many centuries pass,
with no clock to wind.

Demons hear every thought.
Speak in silent word.
Blind eyes see you coming,
but my eyes are blurred.

Time is quick - I must go.
We must meet one day.
On your world or in mine.
Time will only say.

My Web Space

My Email znipergirl@gmail.com
Twitter Twitter.com/ShadwoDragonAmy
http://amyspoetry5.blogspot.com/

Hiding Behind A Mask

My face is a mask that I use to hide among the living. I smile, bow, greet and meet new faces. I wonder how many of us wear them. Use them to "get by" I have had a mask on for far too long. I am lost and do not know my own face. I look in the mirror and do not see me. I see the mask. What have I become. I am a stranger in my own skin. Uncomfortable and itchy. Scratching to set myself free. Bleeding but not reborn. You do not know me. Though you may try. I will confuse you. I confuse myself. Lost in my own mind I scream for sanity. I only get an answer when I hear my echo talk to me. My friend. The only one that knows who I am. My thoughts are my enemies. They fail me at best. I think therefore I can not be like the rest. I rest my mask on my pillow of lies. Deceit and I are associates in my disguise. Welcome it or die.

I Sit Here Frozen

I sit wonderering what will tomorrow bring. I have these doubts. These unreachable dreams. I feel doom aproach to take away my happiness. I am frozen in a silent scream locked inside my dreams. No one knows I come here. No one is aware. Aware of what I have become or am yet still becoming. They just look and stare. Unaware. My wings are brittle and broken. They do not catch the air. I drown upon my own tears. If only my tears were there. I feel so empty and lonely. Lonely as can be. Screaming in the crowded streets where no one looks at me. Why do I feel so frozen? So emotionless... Searching for that key that will unlock all of this.

Blog Description

A virtual notebook; displaying my ramblings from the void within me. Far too long have they been buried under a retched desklamp. Hidden in the bottom drawer like a naughty magazine. Silently screaming at me as the years go by. Wanting to be set free. Will I ever be free?

The Beginning Of The End

Hurt
i hurt myself today to see if i still feel i focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears a hole the old familiar sting try to kill it all away but i remember everything what have i become? my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt i wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair full of broken thoughts i cannot repair beneath the stain of time the feeling disappears you are someone else i am still right here what have i become?my sweetest friend everyone i know goes away in the end you could have it all my empire of dirt i will let you down i will make you hurt if i could start again a million miles away i would keep myself i would find a way This song kinda describes my life. Right up to the very end. I used to hurt myself. Cut myself. Abuse myself. To focus on a greater pain would be the destruction of myself. So I focused on the only pain that I could control. Is everything about control? No needles for me. Knives and different kinds of cutlery. I tried to forget. But I remember everything. Not completely true. I only remember most of the bad parts. The parts I tried to kill. Want to remember the good times. Tried to with a pill. Didn't work. Never works. I've let myself down. I still hurt. I wear my crown of hurt on my liars chair full of rage and broken thoughts. Evil thoughts. Thoughts of betrayal. Thoughts I've tried to repair. What have did I become? My sweetest friend isn't a friend. I have no friends. Lies. I have friends.. but are they friends; when I treat them like strangers? Everyone goes away in the end. That is so true. I have no one.. Or did I ever have anyone. Anyone that I could trust. Many lies build the road to where I am. Where I live. If this is living let me die. Tried that. Let myself down again. Repeating path of destruction. Rage. Courage to survive. I hide myself. Under a invisible vale of lies. Everyone thinks I tell the truth; truth wouldn't let me survive. I keep telling lies; to survive... to work through the pain. Never tell. Can never say. What lies at the bottom of this filth. "I'm so sweet" I'm so nice" Everyone wants me to be there daughter. Never was.. never had.. Mother gave me away. What is that? I still talk to her.. but that is just because there is no one else. She has a mind of a child. Never could raise me. So they say. Talking to her; is like talking to a puddle. My breath rippling of the surface. Never sinking through. What she says; when I listen... Isn't really what I hear. Tones and vibrations, bouncing of my ear. I even moved away. From everything I know. Moved to somewhere different. Somewhere closer to hell. No snow. Barely any rain. Nothing to drown my sorrows in. Stop the drugs. Only drink wine now. That's when I get the chance to buy some. What have I become? Where did I go wrong? Do I love him? Or was I just hiding from the storm? Why am I so different? Or does it just seem that way? Will my scars fade? Fade in my mind. I can point out everyone. Physical ones that is. Mental scars are deadly. Hidden far away. I wish that could be true. Then I could live a life. Without my persecution. Without all my lies. I want to be. Someone that is true. Lovely as a picture. Someone purely new. Will that ever happen? Will I be the same? Time can only tell. This is all insane.