Jesus Is My Anchor

I’m not giving up, I’m not giving in

When will this war of mine, when will it end?

My Jesus is my valium.

He calms the stormy seas.

He is my anchor… For Him I bow down on my knees

He is who I believe

He resides deep within me

Though I feel so very nauseous

From the anxiety that I feel

I clutch my cross and close my eyes

And I start praying that I’ll heal

He is who guides me every single day

But only if I let him in, He will conquer and slay

He chases away the darkness that I feel

He is always there; He is truth, He is real

Though some days I get so deeply intermingled

With the complexities that I feel

I sometimes forget that He is near, very near indeed

I get lost in my emotions, can’t cry… but if I could…I would cry oceans

The hurt and pain I feel deep inside of me is so hard to deal with

Though I can start feeling a bit of relief when I start praying to my God… He does uplift

He’s always there…  days or nights…

 He gives me strength… He is who fights

All I have to do is call upon His name… He will be ready… He will be there

He loves me enough that He gave His life for mine… I’m thankful He cares.

Broken On The Inside

I hate being so broken on the inside

Physically, mentally and spiritually…

I feel the need for me to hide

From the look of me you wouldn’t believe

The scabs are broken and oozing

I feel dead inside, I am losing…Control

I can’t let him out

Of his cage

I have to control

This all-consuming rage

I feel it deep within

Just beneath the skin

I must confess I feel like the monster

All these years trying to keep him locked in

Are we becoming one, is he beginning to win?

Or has he already won the game?

I feel dead inside, I don’t feel the same

This depression is a killer

The things I do are just a filler

To fill the void of my days and night

I think I am losing grip, losing the fight

It’s hard to see when I’ve lost my sight

Should I burn it all down to the ground?

To start anew and rebuild it back up

no more lost…just found

I feel empty inside,

Though I shouldn’t since…

That is where he likes to reside

I don’t know whom I’m trying to convince

I say I am fine… but that’s what I say in my defense

I don’t want my love to see how far down… I have fallen

I don’t want him to see the sadness… within me

There is a void deep inside… of me

So far down have I fallen, and yet I can’t seem to see the bottom

Falling so far down, this downward spiral I am in

To the pit of despair, to the void within…me

Felt frozen for days. Couldn’t even talk to you.

The pain I feel inside, is more than I can bear

All of these words I have spoken before

Get out of my head!!! I can’t take this anymore!!!

I used to have scabs on the outside of me

When I used to carve on me with my knife, repeatedly

I’ve grown passed the need to bleed

But looking at the scabs the cats had clawed…

Feels like the old times, the old times indeed…

I sometimes feel the urge to cut, I am flawed.

Though those thoughts are just stuck in my head.

I sketch inside my art journal books instead

I look at the old scars, long passed bleeding… healed

They remind me of the pain and the feelings, repressed memories revealed

I try and study my Bible, realizing I’m always a sinner

I am losing the fight. I can’t win. Can I ever be a winner?

The anxiety is rising up. Singing that same old chant

I take my medication, should I take another? Maybe I shan’t

Will I go to hell if I accidently overdose and die?

Whom shall make up those rules? Not you… nor I

I haven’t had suicidal tendencies in many years

Will I ever have them again? …I could… is what I fear

How can I process this trauma when I can’t make the tears?

I’m disassociating from my day, it’s not okay. I’m not okay.

I can’t remember this morning, I’ve lost hours of time today

The loneliness I feel seem so very unreal

It doesn’t seem to change… is what I feel

The triggers are many, so very many indeed

I am having trouble coping and they make me want to bleed

Especially when they cuss, it starts playing the old soundtrack

I need to focus in my groups and I hear them all, some words I hear I can’t take back

The soundtrack starts playing on repeat and my world... in my mind starts turning black

I start to scream in my head for it to “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!” “SHUT UP!!”

I scream so loud within myself, and it doesn’t seem to drown it out. “SHUT UP!!”

It’s hard to focus in group when I’m screaming the flashbacks away

It would be easily avoided if they would just refrain… and no I’m not okay

The force of those triggers doesn’t last for minutes or days… but the whole week

I feel stupid...I can’t make the noise go away; “STUPID” It all makes me feel so weak

I don’t want to decline, mentally when I go to group and get triggered all the time

How do I cope? How do I heal when these scabs keep bleeding, these wounds of mine

I haven’t been triggered yet today… but the soundtrack is still playing from yesterday

How can I stop it? How can I ctr alt del it? How can I cope? And no… I’m not okay

I strive to be better than the me from yesterday…

Each day I take a step closer to being anew

I strive to be happy, full of love and just be okay.

Every day I pray to wake up and not to wake up feeling blue.

When will this happen? Today… tomorrow…months from now… maybe next year

I pray to be healed from these open wounds and wake up with nothing to fear.

 

Dead Inside

Dead inside, I creep, I hide

from the world and you.

Breathe life into me

let me see that I matter

Am I a person?

Does it matter?

All of the world has closed her eyes.

No one sees me.

I'm dead inside.

Oh, you say I look fine?

From your perspective I guess 

I'd believe that line.

I'm sad. I'm mad. I'm so very angry.

At myself.

I used to be physically self-destructive.

Now it's more of a mental game.

I am not like the old me, yet

I am still the same.

So many triggers, triggers everyday

Some triggers I do to myself

Those memories are not okay.

Wished I could ctr alt del

the memories that hurt me

Wished I could copy and paste

better thoughts to last a century

I wake up traumatized

from nightmares visualized.

The ones I can't wake up from

Those make me want to run and hide.

I want to be reborn

Rise up like a phoenix

Burning all the old memories

from my past

Those that haunt me

and make me wear my mask

I hide my face from you

what you see, isn't true

I get so scared... from these thoughts

I become paralyzed in fear

When the setting sun is near

The night is filled with silence

nightmares filled with violence

That's when he comes in to kill me... once more.

How on earth can you kill the dead? No more!

Thoughts like that keep repeating what is said

I get so scared to go lay down my head

I pull the covers tightly over my face

I try to feel safe in my space

I fear closing my eyes

the parts between darkness and sleep

He is prepping for his time to creep

Dreams turn into nightmares

It's a game to him and he doesn't play fair

I struggle with insomnia it seems

I just wished I was sleeping and dreaming sweet dreams

He hunts me, stalks me and chases me nightly

I dare not look at him, he’s too frightening

Though he glares his evil eyes at me

pins me down and breathes out his stench, repeatedly 

I am paralyzed, I'm stuck, I can't get up

His face is on mine, his breathe lingers

He is enjoying his time, on me

I try to scream, I try to yell, I try to escape from this hell

Why won't someone save me?

Why won't someone help me?

They saved her, they saved my sister. They protected her.

Left me behind to endure the pain of them.

Though he is usually the only one that haunts my existence

Though they both tormented me in every single instance

I didn't have any friends to go and leave my cell

I stayed home every day and night, enduring this eternal hell

Shared a room with my tormentor. That was by design

Why did she do that? Why was his room inside mine?

No door to separate the two of us, just a curtain

I'm never getting him out of my head, for this I am certain.

No barriers divided our space, I can't help but picture his face

Trying to work through my trauma

I am just mad that I can't talk to my momma

Yes, I know, they are all dead and gone

I should be able to forget this, get passed it and move on

You'd think it'd be an easy thing to do

I can't just forget it, I'm not like you.

I can’t turn my tears to roses

When there’s no tears to be had

I feel like crying most days, feels bad

I am tormented and can’t cry

I feel dead inside and you wonder why

I feel vulnerable and atrocious

My demons are scary, very ferocious

How could you hate me

When all I ever wanted was to be liked by you

How could you say you loved me

When all you gave me were open wounds

I feel the emptiness, like nothing else 

I feel so disconnected from myself 

I’m left to dwell in this hell 

The memories do swell… in my mind

How can this be real? I can barely feel… anymore.

These triggers feel like land mines

It feels so much like I am at war

With the memories I keep inside… of me

I am trying to see

I am trying to believe

This is not where I should be

How have I survived till now?

The cycle repeated, oh how I feel defeated

Some days the feelings I feel, feels really insane

Some days I’m just numb

Mixed feelings of stupidity and feeling dumb

I can’t scream out, I can’t cry

Why can’t I figure out what this feeling is? Why oh why!?!

Most days I wonder if any of this is real

Did this all really happen?

Or, Is my life just a lie? Is this really how I feel?

I feel so angry a lot of the time

I feel like hurting myself, 

Though those thoughts are just in my mind

I sometimes forget how to breathe

I wished these feelings would just leave

These secrets I keep deep inside

They’re just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

The monster and me feels like we are becoming one

It’s the game he likes to play,

Makes me wonder has he already won?

The nightmares are increasing, losing my peace

Staying awake to avoid him, I just wished I could sleep

With  you, in my head, I can’t just lay in my bed, I feel dead

All the time, feeling like this feels like a crime

I don’t feel much peace, fighting the memories

These feelings are chaotic, they’re trying to unleash…

This monster inside, keep him locked in, but, he breaks from his leash

Feeling so much anger inside, I feel like I have died… a hundred times

Starting to feel like I don’t care, I must have cared before, though probably unaware

Sometimes I have nothing to say. Just means the words are stuck deep down inside of me

I want to heal; I want to feel like I’m close to something real

I will never feel like anything else until these wounds I have… would just heal.

The wounds keep bleeding, these memories keep repeating

Can’t get rid of these thoughts in my head

The same words keep coming out of my mouth, but I can’t speak. There’s silence instead

Oh, how I feel dead, so very dead inside

I write the words that are on repeat inside my head

Writing all the feelings that seem to surface, 

I can’t speak them out loud, they seem to have no purpose

when I can’t sleep, can’t think, can’t get you out of my head

I sit up and write these words down instead

I feel miserable, for which I cannot explain. 

I just wished I could get rid of, get rid of this pain.

Would it be this way if I wasn’t so much in agony?

Would I be like this, no miserable feelings, not so much sadness in me?

Lack of energy, lack of spirit

Lack of the words, for no one to hear it

These are the words in which I express.

No worries, no need to study. There won’t be a test.

If I could start again, and redo this life of mine?

Would it be the same? Would I make the same choices each time?

How could I change it? When I had no choice in which family was mine.

I know that I can’t go back and change the beginning,

Though I have a chance to change the ending.

We will see if I make any progress, If I can make any progress this time.

I will have to fight through this struggle not to feel the way I do

Feeling dead inside has to be temporary, this is what I know to be true.

 

The Enemy

The obstacle I face is within me

I am my worst enemy

I must be better

Be better than the me I used to be

That’s all I can strive to be

Just a better version of me

I'm Okay?!?

 

I'm okay. I'm okay today. That's what I say, when I can't say the words inside of me. The last two night were horrific. Nightmares on repeat, all night. No commercials. Every night. Stay awake so much of the night to avoid the horror in my mind. The terror inside my dreams causes me much agony it seems. Staying up on my sofa. Avoiding the bed. Falling asleep, sitting up on my couch instead. There wasn't any time to take a nap today. Too busy doing the things that I want to do and some that are required of me. Sometimes I have nothing to say. Just meaning the words are stuck inside of me. Deep, deep down in the dark pits of me. The downward spiral that leads to thee. Keep the truth of how I feel, in a vault in the dark, deep part of my inner self. The part that I keep locked up. You wouldn't know it by the sight or sound. Silent in that pit, underground. No words, no sounds. I keep those locked up in the vault. My inner library of torment. I dare not enter there; I would be eaten up. The horror it hides would kill in an instant. Despair, destruction. Inner corruption. The nighttime approaches as I illiterate my thoughts. Fear seeps in. Deep in my mind. I try not to think about what the night has in store for me. I just wish I could go to bed, go to sleep without the fear and dread I feel. Will tonight be a peaceful sleep or a night with his terror filled horrific games? I wished I didn't feel so alone in this situation. I wish I didn't have to endure his visitation... in my mind... all the time... Day or night. Time doesn't exist for him. He haunts my mind on repeat. He wants me to play and also admit defeat. I can't let him win. I can't let him in, but he consumes all of me. I live, fearfully. Sometimes, I can push him away. Some days are just okay. Lately my emotions are so raw. I see him in my mind, makes me feel crazy by far. I need to stay strong. Block him. Delete him. Lock him in his cage. Maybe I can do that, since I am feeling these feelings of rage. Get a burst of energy and lock him in. Make it where he cannot win. I've locked him in there before. Held that lock, shut that door. Kept him in. I thought I did win. Though then I feel numb. My emotions are almost gone. Feeling like every day is exactly the same. The past did seem distant when he is locked inside his cage. Though then I couldn't remember much. Makes me forget those days of old. Then I mainly just have feelings of depression. Then it feels like I have no imagination. Parts of me get locked in with parts of him. This monster inside, am I a part of him? I'm trying to find a way to separate him from me. I feel the viciousness of him inside me. Tainting the good parts I see. Am I me? We are merged for so long, it's all I can see. The parts of me I thought were me were merged to long with the parts that were him. as far as I could see. Am I okay or is that a lie? Just something to say, to get by. I guess we will have to wait and see...