Returning here from my long absences... Can't describe what it has been like when I was gone. Just darkness in my mind. I can't remember. My memory is but a thing of the past. I can't focus long enough to remember much of anything. My mind as of late is twisted and strange. I can't get back to the me that I used to be and I can't see myself going on any longer as the person I have become. I am home alone most of the time and when I am not alone... It is as if I am anyways. I don't have anyone to tell this to really. No one cares enough to say much. I'm dying with this hurt inside of me. I don't know how to go on. I have lost interest in most everything. Even if I could talk to someone I don't know where to start. I don't know what to say to convey how I am feeling in which they could understand my pain. Yeah I know people out there have it worse than me.. but I am stuck in a prison not only in my mind but literally a prison in my own house. I have agoraphobia and that doesn't help me much. I came back to the computer to find people to talk to but that isn't great either... I am socially awkward and never know what to say. Even my family doesn't understand that I just can't talk to them because I don't feel like pretending to be happy for them. I'm past that now.. trying to pretend all the time to be what I am not. I know I had to have been happy one time or another in my life. Though with my memory like it is .. I don't remember those times if and when they were actually there. My mask is broken now... flawed by my own destruction. I don't know what will bring me "out" again. Some think I can just push a button and fix it all in a matter of mere seconds. How could he have said that. Does he now realize what he said and how if would affect me? It doesn't matter... nothing matters much anymore to me. Though I do have a strong sense of caring for others and how they feel. I worry about them and wish I could do whatever to make them feel better and happy. I only want the best for the people in my life. And that is not me... I'm going to try and blog more... At least I will try.
